May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
