Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
