If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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