i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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