Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
All the doctor said was why
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
