I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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