24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize