Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
