I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize