I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
