I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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