y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
