I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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