I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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