I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
