I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We got so high we made milksteak
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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