I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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