Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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