we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
