i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
