Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
