guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
