I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize