That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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