You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
