I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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