***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
