I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
...so i touched it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
