Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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