I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
