Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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