you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
