I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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