You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
