I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
