apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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