I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
