I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm like, not good at living.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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