If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm at about main and main street
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
