I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
