She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
