alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
