In the future we'll all be gay
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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