omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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