Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
