I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
