She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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