Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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