Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
