What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
