dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
