Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
