this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
