i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
