She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Four minutes until I can fart!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
