Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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