So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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