I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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