I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
