I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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