I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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