hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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