does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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