Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
