sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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